How to Ensure That Your Profile Pic is Stalk-Worthy
Your profile picture is the first thing that any random stranger stalker on the internet sees when he types in “Penelope Custard,” so it had better be good. And GOOD IT CAN BE. In order to determine where your current profile picture stands on the cuteness scale, simply admire these incredibly realistic drawings that I did by staring at my friends’ facebook pages all day. It’s not creepy because it’s for the good of society.
First, the scale! The scale goes from 1 to 10, with 1 being so revolting that I really can’t believe you posted that photo on the interwebz, and 10 being so cute that I would like to marry you, if that’s alright and not too much trouble. Now, the types!
Type 1: HAHA I HAVE SO MANY FRIENDS AND WE DO AWESOME THINGS TOGETHER!!!
Cuteness factor: 4-6.
This type of profile picture scores pretty well—if it meets certain requirements. First, you and your friends have to be doing something interesting. If you are all at a party laughing and lookin’ fine, you’re probably going to score a 6. However, if your friends look cuter than you do in the picture, that 6 may not apply to you. For example!
Second, make sure you guys are doing something not lame. If all you’re doing is sitting around the table eating applesauce, it’s less than impressive. However, it’s more impressive than a picture of yourself sitting alone at a table eating applesauce. Weeping bitterly. So 4 points for that.
Type 2: I took a picture of myself because I BE SO FI-YUNNN.
Cuteness factor: 1-3
Mirror shots. They are never okay. We all do them. We are all never okay. I have used more than one as a profile picture. I AM NEVER OKAY. Usually the thought process goes something like this: “I am in the bathroom getting ready for an exciting evening out. Wow, this electric sea-serpent eyeshadow really makes my eyeballs look spectacular. In fact, I look like a sexy sea-serpent. My hair looks incredible! MAZING, EVEN! I have to document how awesome I look at this moment because OH I’M FINE and the world needs to know it!” And then this happens.
Actually, having one or two of these in your photo repertoire isn’t a crime. It becomes a problem when entire albums are full of pictures you’ve taken of yourself from high angles. Also, if you’re going to do a mirror shot, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY make sure the toilet isn’t in the background. Toilets, much like all of the pajamas in my possession, are meant to be used in private, not seen by everyone on the internet.
Type 3: I am an artsy individual and I can prove it, just look at my picture.
Cuteness factor: highly variable. HIGHLY.
Sometimes, artsy pictures are awesome looking. You’re posing on some train tracks wearing black pumps and a serious expression? SIGN ME UP. You’re looking over your shoulder whilst frolicking in a field of wildflowers, hair blowing about in the summer breeze? Wow, I just got chills. It becomes questionable when this happens:
A unique, fun picture requires a unique, fun situation. You can create this situation at home, but people get lazy and try to take serious, emotion-evoking photos without any serious, emotion-evoking imagery. No one is going to feel the depths of your teenage angst just because you are looking down and your hair looks unusual. Except for me. I understand.
Type 4: Posing with weird things/facial expressions/costumes because I’m awesome.
Cuteness factor: 10
Always a 10. Always.